Josefin Arnell, 28 August 2018

Total Darkness

We are sunbathing in the burned forest, you use a “hett i helvete” (hot as in hell) to reflect the ultraviolet harshness, you want to speed up the tan because you like fast things, just like me, and I have asked you to wear the t-shirt “ABSOLUT HÄMBRÄNT—smaken man aldrig minns” (ABSOLUT MOONSHINE—the taste you never remember) because we both think it’s a great joke.

19 September

First day. Rio de Janeiro. It’s the last Saturday of summer vacation. We went from Santa Teresa to Copacabana. We bought a caipirinha (even though we “don’t drink”) that had condensed milk inside and was way too sweet. Luckily it got stolen by a drunk man which we very much enjoyed. Beach was so extremely crowded and tense, the ladies at the beach house told us it’s not safe, told us to keep close to them and not go to the waterfront. We didn’t care cos we tried not to look like tourists, even though we were the only ones with pale, pig-pink skin. At first we thought people were excited about a football game. Thousands of people, everyone at the long beach standing up simultaneously like a wave. It felt massive. Then we understood it was a ‘favela attack’. Hundreds of kids running through the crowd picking and sticking whatever they could get. We tried to play it cool but ran away when the guys next to us started to fight back with the umbrella sticks. Mum was shaken, I was somehow excited. The underground was so violent that we took a taxi. The ride back took 3 hours and Denise was worried cos she had heard the actions on the news.

From moms phone: I swim, at Copacabana beach

20 September

We went to a salon to have our nails painted and ate grilled meat with black beans and rice in a taxi workers backdoor canteen. (This dish later became the meal we always refer to as the best food experience of the trip.)

21 September

We just arrived in Abadiania. Maria our Swedish guide, she is so pious that when we talk she sees satan in our aura. We are the trash that needs to be saved. I mean I’m spiritual, I am. I pray everyday. My mom has a book about god by her bed table. Mom is afraid but mostly bored, critical towards most things including me. She positions herself as far away as possible from all possible new age or spiritual ideas. Which is impossible. It’s almost 40 degrees but I mostly freeze from the inside. I have a bad conscience over all the disgusting food we eat that feeds my candida, do I have parasites? I’m afraid of getting emotional hangover and I want the internet.

22 September

We got blessed water in front of our doors, 6 bottles at 1,5 liters each. It was included in the price we paid to our guide.

Still from: Mothership Goes to Brazil

Margaret sends us an astrological report: stay in balance, don’t fall, rest, fly away from grandma and motherships, possibly a night with little sleep, time can feel slippery, SLOW DOWN, SAY NO.

is this a punishment?

yes, because you are a weak soul, you are not grown up yet, not like a human but more like a little animal without a nose

like a fish or something? Yes, like a fish

a big spaceship enters the room whispering: what a fuck is wrong with you? I don’t know, who knows, don’t even know who to ask? everyone is working with their mum, it seems everyone is doing work about their mum, obsessed by the  idea of motherhood

where is John of God?

repeating: he is a little bit here

where is he? where the fuck is JoG? JoG, gone missing.

João de Deus where are you?

(I have no index what this is about)

I develop never-ending obsessions of pure digestion. damn. Fragments of every potential toxin going through my body, no, in fact everything feels like poison. Even the things that are suppose to do you good. It’s like my body reacts to the smell of something frightening and you are so good you make me feel awful. Shit I forgot that this would happen, your addiction is my addiction. It’s spreading from tongue to nervous system. It starts mostly in the lips, they get electric, like electric fields and then it travels down my uterus. Uterus, the central meeting point. Always.

I failed trying to get you drunk, I mean we had to celebrate that you turned 60, and we didn’t know what you wanted to do. My mouth got covered by cotton candy fungi after a couple of caipirinha, how the fuck did you not get drunk on that? I needed to hide my giggle.

Think like this: she is the knight here, let her ride an adventure through the world, I’m just the one making sure she doesn’t fall off her horse.


OBS important: be open to bizarre impulses and hunt psychic experiences, that’s okay, this is a positive message from the loved ones, perhaps a child. Reminder: I’m developing into an incredible young lady with a future filled with gorgeous journies, one day we might visit the Grand Canyon.

From mom’s phone: I pose with 2 caipirinha

24 September

We have an intimate moment with our guide Maria. She tells us how her brother who is also Polish killed himself cos he was always too drunk. We feel connected by her story so we invite her for a day trip to a special waterfall in a nearby village. Mum looks so cute when she swims around in the waterfall pool. It’s a great day.


From mom’s phone: Me by the waterfalls

Mama and Marina Abramovic

you both travel to Brazil to meet John of God.

you both seems to wear many layers of makeup on your skin

I could almost see you both have shaved vaginas or because of age perhaps don’t have so much hair there anymore, if you shaved for 40 years, does it slowly disappear?

You both find peace in the waterfall. If my mum only had met John of God, he also would have given her an eye scraping, I know it. That would have been so good: an immediate immune trigger sensation with help of a kitchen knife. neither did I get it this time.

and while you Marina talk to angel Dorothy about 4th and 5th dimensions and the new spiritual preparations for humankind, Dorothy shows me her family pictures and tells me about that time when John of God put his hands on her ass, on his own birthday.

2 October

Alto Paraiso. I thought let’s do something, maybe romantic. We escaped John of God’s casa. Lying in our jungle house it’s on the top floor of a 3 storey newly built smirky bamboo house. From my bed that has thick luxury duvets the eye can only see jungle. There are no walls but an open terrace and sunset is so amazing. Now it’s morning and birds fly over the fog. Monkeys are screaming. I feel freedom, mum feels prison. It took us 2h on a curvy dirt road. Mum’s back is destroyed she is in pain and I feel so bad. Except the British woman (who bought the land with her Brazilian boyfriend to save it from being burnt down by farmers) there are a couple of Swedish people working for free and on a banana diet. First they showed us the “real” tree house, but the suspension bridge made me dizzy. Mum’s first reaction was: I refuse to live in a tree, what are we going to do all the time we’re here? It’s too expensive maybe we leave tmr. I also have not been filming much at all since we left John of God town. But I found a wooden triangle blessed by his village.

3 October

We did a bit of qigong. I woke up while she was crying. She is swollen and scared. I don’t know what to do with either her or my emotions. This place is so incredibly beautiful. Mum stays in bed all day and plays on her phone. I’m suddenly too scared to push her talk about her emotions because they have escaped so deep inside. Then we find a black deadly poison snake and a cat with only 3 legs. This place is filled with death, mum confirms, so we decide to leave a few days earlier. The British woman has a the skin of a leopard that she caught on a savanna. Mum and I played doctor and patient in her world animal sculpture collection. It was fun. Mum has so many pills and she is a great actress.

Still from: Mothership Goes to Brazil

5 October
Since we have time we visit Vale do Amanhecer, I have been almost more obsessed by this cult than by John of God. Jesus feels so young here. A woman in Gucci sunglasses takes care of us and we can watch the women getting dressed up for the ceremony in the changing room. We both wish mom could have the same clothes. She normally looks cool but beside them kind of bleached out. We do a healing session with a medium and are following a parade. Mum is annoyed cos she think it’s stupid, these people hang out in a cartoon land. I believe she kind of enjoys it too. The women who have taken care of us all day later drive us back to Brasilia in one of the mercedes. Everyone in this cult is rich, we confirm.


From moms phone: Vale do Amanhecer